modern day education.

It's hard for me to comprehend the authority given to someone who doesn't spend the time to get to know you.
We are told, "trust them, they will help you, they will be there for you."
Then-
you see that isn't the case.
It's the romanticized vision of an organization trying to entice you into their group.
Even if it's centered around education, even it's supposedly progressive.
You sit there alone, observing.
So many idealized words flow through the atmosphere of lectures
just so the ones you are supposed to be "mentoring" - "coaching" through an experience feels as lost and alone as ever.
It's amazing that there are never any comments made about you successfully doing something,
but the moment there's a slip up, a slew of emails are sent about the mediocre details that were missing, covered with exclamation points and emojis
as if that is the redeemable quality that we have been waiting for.
We would understand if you spoke to us beyond the perimeters of a observing our every move,
beyond these pointless forced reflections that do not make us think, but make us feel anxious.
we don't watch anyone else's because it feels like an invasion of privacy.
a mentor that can't even spell my name right.
who favors the students whose parents she knows are watching her.
nothing about this is just.
progressive
memorable.
creating an army of mediocrity that you don't think you fit into.
when you become the lieutenant of the small details of mistakes that ruin a perfectly good kid's day.
but you don't know that they are anxious and scared to speak up
you scare them.
but we're supposed to be greater than that, with idols you forced us to seek who treat us the same as them.

how many breaking points can happen in 9 months.
what is the point of words when the actions are so clearly there.

December

These past few months have been some of the busiest and most stressful months I have experienced. The lack of sleep and moments to myself were scarce, and there were many moments I thought I was going to lose it. In just a couple of weeks I will finally be able to simmer. I have not had any anxiety despite the fact that I've been so stressed and I've stopped eating dairy, which I think has helped me not get sick or have a panic attack for that matter. But above all, I think it's because of this person here. I don't know if I ever knew what it meant to have full on support from someone other than a family member, but now I know it. Thank you for loving me, believing in me, and constantly calling me the "strongest person you know" despite how weak and depleted I've felt. From your faith in me, I found faith and strength within myself. I am grateful to have you as my soul mate, my life partner, and my family. I love you.

today at the gym
staring a screen of flashing lights and words
i felt so sick
i've felt so sick all day
when are we going to realize that humanity needs
solidarity with one another
how can we move onto a more compassionate life
if we can't even love our own species
for the love of our brothers and sisters
for the love of animals
breathing
has become the most valuable exercise of protest

the startling sacrificial sun

Being in a relationship was always like a teeter totter of emotion for me. It was a challenge because I had this stubborn nature of thinking that a strong, independent, young woman should be with herself, living for herself in her 20s. This was a time for a woman to grow and prosper and be in love with herself. However, there was an ache for something more, for a partner to do all the things that a growing woman wished to do. I had that extreme feminist view of "fuck the man" and let me tell you that's something that has translated and affected the way I've encountered and dealt with men, it was like a looming cloud of stereotypes lingered behind me to stop me from doing anything that had to do with being vulnerable with my heart.

Three years ago, I entered a relationship that was blooming before the relationship had started. Two years of friendship, laughter, poking fun, silliness, grumpiness, annoyance, and respect. Once the relationship started, the fight started within myself. A huge part of myself had viewed this person as someone who was a friend, an ally, I could trust him. But the field had changed and I started to have that feeling of "I don't need a man, though" along with, "I really really like this life" and I think this went on for over a year. He continued to relentlessly push forward and work with me and this relationship. He was opening up slowly and I think realizing how much I needed freedom and independence in order to accept being in a relationship. I broke that false border that societal feminist extremism built inside of me. You can love a man with everything inside of you, and love yourself the same, because the idea of placing gender so heavily on a human who sees you as a human became so god damn debilitating.

To the present. As the ever-evolving relationship continues, I am hit with the reality that at times you can care and put yourself fully into helping your partner grow when they need the support. I realized that I was doing this and not letting my needs be known, I was not using my voice like I was three years ago. In a bit of a meltdown, I told him, I need creative space, I need peace, I need myself, I need you to support me in this, I need to grow, I need to be better, I need to grow, please, I need to keep growing. And as if a light switch turned on, he found his voice, things he felt in his heart- he began suggesting going to shows, he started dropping off care packages for my period and reading all the ingredients on packages to make sure they were all vegan, he suggested yoga, he allowed me to play old conor oberst songs and yak about what he was talking about, even though george bush isn't the president anymore. I spent time laughing in a corner with my best friends like we did when we were 16. I listened to music again. Like really listened to music again. Like the type of music my soul listened to when I had anxiety and I didn't even know what anxiety was because my soul took care of it for me. I realized that I had a partner in life, not just a relationship to maintain, but a partnership. A yin and yang, a moon and sun, the universal balancing of light and darkness - how could I allow myself to think that I wouldn't be a good feminist for being so in love with a man, when I realized how shameful it was to call a partner - a soul mate, something as mundane as a man - a gender that has been circled and crossed out far too many times for the actions of people who do not deserve the name. It's amazing how we preach something like we actually know what it means, but when it comes to feeling it literally shoots every dumb fucking thing you've said with such confidence and turns it into ash floating in the sky. here's to my sun for burning the ashes out of my eyes.

anxiety diary: i

I recently realized (well I guess, understood) that my anxiety is primarily a physical thing. I used to always think that I could talk myself out of it or that I was incapable of understanding why it came on me so randomly & so suddenly - until recently. I realized that my body would have a physical reaction to something and my mind would interpret it as something us, thus the vicious, anxious cycle.

today i was awaken by a painful stomach ache, and since eating a vegan diet, I have not had any stomach issues. Most of my stomach pain came from dairy - now that it's eliminated, food has become more enjoyable to me. Anyway, I woke up with an anxious stomach. I fell into a bit of a hole, with it, until I realized what was happening. My physical reaction was making my mind think these things, things that made me doubt being able to do something. I talked to my mind endlessly through it and ended up with triumph. I can't say I've scored many points with anxiety, but at least I did today. some victories