Anxiety

Here's the thing a lot of people don't know about me, I have anxiety. I know anxiety is a feeling many have felt, the jittery feeling in your stomach before a doctor's appointment, or the feeling of going on a long flight. However with me, mine can become crippling. I say this because it can escalate into a panic attack and have me in a state of mind that speaks in circles. Anything that I ever worried about surfaces and I remain in a fixated state of mind. It's hard to explain, and it's something I thought a lot of people had or understood up until recently when I told people I worked with and I was confronted with a blank stare. "What? I've never had a panic attack. What is it?" That's when I realized that the people closest to me understand this, but my everyday interactions are oblivious to the idea of the  deathly taunt your mind plays on you. Which is something I understand, but is also something that makes being "sociable" (something I've never been great at) even harder to do. After I have these moments of anxiousness I literally only want to be around people I trust. It's really eye-opening when you realize who anxiety dissipates with and who it remains with.

 I have never been a fan of crowds or being a part of a "group" I know I sound really charming and likable right now... but if we are being honest, I don't. The group influence can be one of the scariest things to an individual's mind. At first, it's refreshing and fun because it's a bunch of people you don't really know and conversations remain very much superficial beyond the standard relationship questions. However, in my experience, the scariest is how easily people will turn based off of a single person's opinion on something. Human persuasion can be a lethal thing. Anyway, to get to the point of groups and anxiety. Groups trigger the negative in me, especially when you see a group of people feigning enthusiastic behavior. Oof. I know I choose to be a loner in this way, but sometimes I just can't get past the disingenuousness of people, so for that, I draw back. Since learning this about myself I've been able to find ways to deal with my anxiety before I reach the point of full blown panic attack mode (I experienced a slight panic attack at work a few days ago, but it could've been a lot worse). I think I might make a little series on anxiety because I know it is something talked about, but at the same time there are a lot of people who are unaware or un-empathetic to the idea of how much anxiety can affect your mental and physical states. But to end this on a bit of a lighter note, I am grateful for my mom, brother, and devi-doo during all of this and two of the best dang co-workers who just took the time to talk it out with me to try and understand why I'm acting so "off". Last night I was received by hugs and hands on my shoulders as I endured a very "group meeting" at work and it was nice to not feel alone amongst it. Long live people who give you a chance even when you are far from being your best. Of course, without being said, my Ali. The man that is my constant when I feel as if I have no one else to talk to. You always hear the cheesy slogan "you are not alone" but there has never been a truer statement. And if you feel that way, talk to people, you'll find someone that will look at you with understanding and love in their eyes.