nana

today i had an interview from a guy that seemed like someone i would've gone to high school with and have not cared for because he thought he was hot shit. and with age he calmed down and realized thinking you were hot shit didn't mean anything in this world. he was a nice guy, i really mean that.

one of the questions he asked me, very casually, "what was the hardest thing you've ever gone through?"
"losing people I love"

this photo is one of the last photos i have of nana's room, while it was still nana's room.
a lot is missing, like her chair and her bed but a new bed was going to be moved in
and things were going to be moved out.
to say i was a mess at this point in my life would be an understatement.
i don't think that falling out of love with someone could ever give me a heartache as intensely as what i felt when i lost my grandma.
i've written so many posts about nana, and i'm sure to most it seems like a broken record
over and over
the million 'i love you's' and 'i miss you's' circulate these pages
it's like i've created a ghost within myself to haunt my writing.

but i can't help it.
this is how i deal with life without her.
i couldn't talk about her every single day of my life because i would be a mess, my life would not move forward.
i also can't ignore things because i am the most sensitive person in the world when it comes to family.
i cry at everything.
i cry because nana never got to meet ali.
and he's the person who has defined family in a new way for me.
i cry when i see my niece, lana. because that's all nana wanted, a baby.
i cry when i see my mom because she is becoming my nana
and she is getting older and it makes me realize how much i love her
and how much i want to take care of her for the rest of my days
just like she did with her mom... who became my mom too.