Being in a relationship was always like a teeter totter of emotion for me. It was a challenge because I had this stubborn nature of thinking that a strong, independent, young woman should be with herself, living for herself in her 20s. This was a time for a woman to grow and prosper and be in love with herself. However, there was an ache for something more, for a partner to do all the things that a growing woman wished to do. I had that extreme feminist view of "fuck the man" and let me tell you that's something that has translated and affected the way I've encountered and dealt with men, it was like a looming cloud of stereotypes lingered behind me to stop me from doing anything that had to do with being vulnerable with my heart.
Three years ago, I entered a relationship that was blooming before the relationship had started. Two years of friendship, laughter, poking fun, silliness, grumpiness, annoyance, and respect. Once the relationship started, the fight started within myself. A huge part of myself had viewed this person as someone who was a friend, an ally, I could trust him. But the field had changed and I started to have that feeling of "I don't need a man, though" along with, "I really really like this life" and I think this went on for over a year. He continued to relentlessly push forward and work with me and this relationship. He was opening up slowly and I think realizing how much I needed freedom and independence in order to accept being in a relationship. I broke that false border that societal feminist extremism built inside of me. You can love a man with everything inside of you, and love yourself the same, because the idea of placing gender so heavily on a human who sees you as a human became so god damn debilitating.
To the present. As the ever-evolving relationship continues, I am hit with the reality that at times you can care and put yourself fully into helping your partner grow when they need the support. I realized that I was doing this and not letting my needs be known, I was not using my voice like I was three years ago. In a bit of a meltdown, I told him, I need creative space, I need peace, I need myself, I need you to support me in this, I need to grow, I need to be better, I need to grow, please, I need to keep growing. And as if a light switch turned on, he found his voice, things he felt in his heart- he began suggesting going to shows, he started dropping off care packages for my period and reading all the ingredients on packages to make sure they were all vegan, he suggested yoga, he allowed me to play old conor oberst songs and yak about what he was talking about, even though george bush isn't the president anymore. I spent time laughing in a corner with my best friends like we did when we were 16. I listened to music again. Like really listened to music again. Like the type of music my soul listened to when I had anxiety and I didn't even know what anxiety was because my soul took care of it for me. I realized that I had a partner in life, not just a relationship to maintain, but a partnership. A yin and yang, a moon and sun, the universal balancing of light and darkness - how could I allow myself to think that I wouldn't be a good feminist for being so in love with a man, when I realized how shameful it was to call a partner - a soul mate, something as mundane as a man - a gender that has been circled and crossed out far too many times for the actions of people who do not deserve the name. It's amazing how we preach something like we actually know what it means, but when it comes to feeling it literally shoots every dumb fucking thing you've said with such confidence and turns it into ash floating in the sky. here's to my sun for burning the ashes out of my eyes.
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