Makeup Culture

In March I wrote two posts, one on the journey of self acceptance and another on hair shields. Both of these posts discussed my inner battle for acceptance of who I am, and how I have changed because of this journey. I have never not accepted who I am, I think I have in the sense of my character and who I am, however, the one thing that has always been difficult for me was how I looked. It wasn't until I was 16 or 17 that I started being noticed by guys or even started noticing myself because of said attention. I was stereotyped as a "smart girl" for so long that I felt a disconnect from my brain and my face. The two just didn't interconnect nor did it even seem relevant to me. But. Of course it bothered me. I always wanted to be skinny and pretty. I grew up in South Orange County, a place where superficiality is created and dwells. I had the sick habit of comparison in my beginning teenage years, as a lot of girls suffer with. You see someone you think is pretty and you want to know them or you want to look like them. Just the association will make you feel like you would somehow belong in a way. It doesn't, at all. I think I learned that quickly because by the second half of high school, I just gave zero fucks. Then, the attention from boys came along. That's when I began to try to look pretty, makeup.

I had experimented with makeup since I was in middle school, but, I didn't start learning how to properly do it until college. Then it became a necessity for my morning routines. I never had days where I left with a bare face, even if it was something as little as just mascara. I needed something. I needed something to protect me. In a way, going back to my earlier post on hair, back then, that's why I had bangs. I was able to hide my face from something. I didn't like it. I didn't by any means hate myself, I don't want the two to be correlated and associated as the same thing. I just genuinely did not like nor care for how I looked, probably because I tried to mask it so much. I'm not going to go year by year and talk about my makeup looks because that just seems absurd to do, but I thought I'd add visuals through the years to make a point. I just want to forewarn that this is going to be very conceited and I'm probably going to feel embarrassed about the amount of selfies that I'm exposing of myself, but, this is who I was and who I am. Everyone has a story.

The first photo was how I've done my makeup for years. The eye shadow, the mascara and of course the winged liner. If nothing else, I HAD to have my winged liner to leave the house. I know that it's not A LOT of makeup. But, that's not the point. The point was that it worked as a barrier to mask myself, to not fully accept myself in any form. The second photo doesn't look like too much makeup, but I have my face makeup on and I had a phase where I wore individual fake lashes with mascara, all the time. So it LOOKED semi-natural, but I always had some artificial things hanging from my eyes. Looking back, I don't even know why I did it because I really don't have short eye lashes to begin with, but, I didn't see myself clearly then, I guess. I was trying to make myself look a certain way without ever catering to my features. The third photo is my usual everyday makeup now, it's toned down a bit. I just wear concealer, eyebrows, sometimes brown liner and mascara. It used to be a full foundation, blush, highlight, and bronzer routine. So, for me it was a good cut back. And of course, the last one, my pure, bare face. 

I know this is a semi-silly post, because makeup is silly and it shouldn't be a part of accepting who you are. But, there is an importance that goes along with it. So many girls make a point to tell people, "I'm not wearing any makeup" or "don't take any photos of me because I look like shit" simply because they aren't wearing makeup. As if that even matters. Not wearing makeup should not have to be something that is broadcasted or something that hinders you from any normal activities you'd typically do. Shouting out "HEY, I AM IN MY NATURAL STATE AND THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS PICTURE!" is a ridiculous statement to make. However, it is relevant and it is a very real reality for my cultural society. It's something girls say and do. I am a product of that. However, I am trying to grow and accept and become better because I am aware of it. I still have a very long way to go, but that's something I always want to have. I never want to reach the levels I think I should be at because that's when my mind will stop expanding and I'll start closing myself off to everything else I could have known or experienced. Being yourself is the most beautiful face you'll ever wear, and hey, makeup is really fun. But I want it to be that way, I want to wear makeup because I want to, not because I feel as though I have to. So if you wear it or not, just feel happy that you have the face you have because it's a bloody perfect one.