Stream of consciousness, two months ago.

Two months later, I feel the same.

The constant change of life. Ebb and flow. One of the most important figures of my job left yesterday. He was what was keeping me and everyone else that works there stay. He helped keep the family, a family. However him leaving, means something. He represents the detachment, the change. I realize I'm in a pivotal transitional period, but all I know is that I cannot see myself in the conventions of this world. I've always longed for simplicity and to be around what I think matters, nature. I currently reside in an area that is quite possibly the opposite of what I envision. But, living is not cheap, it should be, however, the idea of a move is the hardest part. I rest upon the ledge of realism and idealism. My mind is always thinking of the possibilities, but life makes you take things one at a time. One step. I've been trying my best to practice simplicity and patience. Little steps like cutting out material infatuations and focusing on what matters. The balance of having friends who are family and friends who are just friends and being okay with that. It's okay to have people in your life to just have fun with. But not to get that mixed up. I've done that too many times in my life, thinking that people who I can laugh until I cry with are the type of people who will wait out my bad times alongside me. I'm a quiet person, but I feel a lot of feelings and it takes a lot of trust to let people see that, but often, people won't allow me the space to take my time to open to them and they decide to leave, walk away from the situation because they think I'm not trying. I'm not blaming this on them, it is because of me and I am aware of who I am. But I am not willing to fight for something that people don't see potential in. Walking away from someone speaks volumes and if someone can easily do that, then I let it happen because to me they already checked out before trying to make it work out. That is life and that is my reality. That balance of coworkers, friends, and family. I'm in a state of quietness. I very much yearn for something I can feel my fingertips touching but is just out of reach. It's a lot more than I can ask for considering I've felt miles away for so long. I'm in a place I never thought I was going to be in: more in love than I thought I'd ever experience and grateful for the ones that have stuck around through it all. That's where the fear comes in. I'm in a place of love, everywhere and I am about to leave it. I know life is about change and people speak of change so bravely and confidently, but what about the fears? When those aren't addressed people who lay on the ledge of the in-between-ness lie astray. Guidance doesn't mean you're weak, it means that you're still trying to find your own path. We don't get to where we are alone. None of us are who we are because we made it on our own. I don't know where I was going with this, but I feel this surge of creativity and this feeling of coming into what I feel I was supposed to do. A lot of my old self is surfacing and because of that I am realizing that that's who I really am. I owe a lot of this to those around me who always remind me that I am a creep, that I once did creative stuff, that I wanted to be a writer my whole life... that I still even have it in me. Don't let yourself be defined. Be whatever. I wanna live in the forest. I wanna be with the one I love the most, I want to laugh until I cry with my best friends over dinner on weeknights. I want to always be inspired by music. I am going to start playing the mandolin again. I've been trying to stop wearing makeup as many days as I can and I find myself sleeping on grass more and more as my summer proceeds. I miss Portland. I miss not driving. I hate driving. I can't wait to visit Portland with Ali. He's going to love it. I love him, so much. I am happy I'm having a close to quarter life century crisis right now. Because I'm not having anxiety or panic attacks anymore. I can do this.