I feel like i've always had this reluctance to live a conventional life. when i was growing up i never dreamed of having a partner to share my life with, rather sharing my life with my kids. i never put into the equation about how you go about having those kids, but that's all i wanted to have. i think it's because relationships with men have never come easily in my family. and it's not going to be this long abusive story about how all men are pigs or whatever. but just down to the fact that my mothers never left me. and the reason i think i opened up to the idea of men were because of my two older brothers, the ones who love me so truly and genuinely. which is why i think i've always dreamed of that life with me and family and kids. it's like my ideal fulfilled life comes with being surrounded by family and kids to make life worth living because i was so fortunate to have my mom and nana make me feel as if i made their world orbit the sun.
it's hard being so hard wired to be an independent creature and be thrusted into a world of societal standards. that it's natural to spend your life with someone else and to have this job fulfill your lifetime of duties and to look this certain way and to do all of these things that we've been taught to do in our life. it's funny because after all this time i thought i was virtually unphased with my lack of understanding from my dad to think that it didn't affect, but here i am thinking that my destiny is to be alone and independent and as strong and positive as my mother. but truly at the end of the day, she didn't want that. she dealt with what life gave her. she fought and she's still fighting. just like nana kept fighting. none of them ever gave up and settled for something, they just lived.
i wonder when this anxiety will rest. i wonder when my heart will find peace from this constant, rapid heart beat. a hummingbird in a human's body.
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